Dear Men-o-pause
Dear Men O Pause,
I am writing to you today to ask you to please give me my former body back. Why do I ask now? I had to go look for something to wear to a wedding. I know I complained about the old body but believe me I have seen the error of my ways and would like to have it back now please. I tried on a straight brown dress with one big button and laughed out loud because I would be forced to tell people that this was the closest I could come to finding a paper bag. It looks like I will be wearing my black uniform slacks once again.
Although I can look down and still see my feet, my whole shape has changed and you have stolen my once hourglass figure. I now look more like a hurricane globe.
I would also like to tell you that I found a white eyebrow last week. Please tell me I am going blonde.
Then there is the matter of some freckles on my hands that never used to be there. At first I thought it was dirt but they won't come off.
I stood for a long time looking at the different body washes only to realize it wouldn't matter if I smelled like cherries or lilacs, it wouldn't wash those weird looking veins away you are so diligently placing in areas I can no longer hide with makeup.
Why do other fat people look ok in their clothes?
If you give me back a hormone or two I promise I will exfoliate and always use sunscreen on my skin that has gotten dryer than a popcorn fart in a whirlwind. I wake up in the middle of the night hearing it gasp for hydration.
I like skewers. I buy them all the time. I don't use them much. I can break them off and wrap my hair up with them. My hair that before the month is up you choose to place a white racing stripe down the part while the rest of it dry and unlifelike. I think I like skewers because they are skinny and sharp. I am holding myself ransom. If you don't give me my former body back I will be forced to stab myself with a skewer.
Yours truly,
The Mean Bitch from Hell
I am writing to you today to ask you to please give me my former body back. Why do I ask now? I had to go look for something to wear to a wedding. I know I complained about the old body but believe me I have seen the error of my ways and would like to have it back now please. I tried on a straight brown dress with one big button and laughed out loud because I would be forced to tell people that this was the closest I could come to finding a paper bag. It looks like I will be wearing my black uniform slacks once again.
Although I can look down and still see my feet, my whole shape has changed and you have stolen my once hourglass figure. I now look more like a hurricane globe.
I would also like to tell you that I found a white eyebrow last week. Please tell me I am going blonde.
Then there is the matter of some freckles on my hands that never used to be there. At first I thought it was dirt but they won't come off.
I stood for a long time looking at the different body washes only to realize it wouldn't matter if I smelled like cherries or lilacs, it wouldn't wash those weird looking veins away you are so diligently placing in areas I can no longer hide with makeup.
Why do other fat people look ok in their clothes?
If you give me back a hormone or two I promise I will exfoliate and always use sunscreen on my skin that has gotten dryer than a popcorn fart in a whirlwind. I wake up in the middle of the night hearing it gasp for hydration.
I like skewers. I buy them all the time. I don't use them much. I can break them off and wrap my hair up with them. My hair that before the month is up you choose to place a white racing stripe down the part while the rest of it dry and unlifelike. I think I like skewers because they are skinny and sharp. I am holding myself ransom. If you don't give me my former body back I will be forced to stab myself with a skewer.
Yours truly,
The Mean Bitch from Hell
